My beloved man suggested that we move in together and split all expenses fifty-fifty, but that the household would be my responsibility because I am a woman. I agreed, but on one condition 

We had been together for about six months. It was a calm time, when you don’t yet pay attention to small oddities and believe that everything will only get better from here. Sergei seemed reliable: a stable job, neat, he liked to reflect on life and talk about equality and modern views.

We often ate out, took long walks, talked about plans, and it seemed like we understood each other well.

As it later turned out, though, we meant very different things. I was talking about partnership, while he was talking about his own comfort.

The topic of living together came up unexpectedly, one ordinary evening over dinner. He was eating soup and said casually:

“Listen, maybe it’s time we moved in together. I’m tired of going back and forth. We could rent a decent apartment and live together.”

I was happy, because I had been waiting for this step for a long time. But then the conversation went in a completely different direction than I had expected.

“But let’s discuss everything right away,” he continued calmly. “I’m all for honesty. We split all expenses equally: rent, utilities, groceries. Fifty-fifty.”

I shrugged.

“Sounds reasonable.”

“Great,” he nodded. “Then let’s agree on the rest as well.”

I looked at him more closely.

“On what exactly?”

He smiled slightly and said:

“Well, as for the household, everything is clear. You’re a woman. Cooking, cleaning, laundry—I think that should be on you. I can help sometimes if I feel like it, but overall the household is your area. You like order and coziness.”

I listened silently, trying to process what I was hearing.

“So we contribute the same amount of money,” I clarified, “but everything else is my responsibility?”

“Yes,” he answered calmly. “That’s how most families live. It’s normal.”

I didn’t argue or raise my voice. I simply agreed, but on one condition  I shared the continuation in the first comment 

“All right,” I said. “Then let’s keep calculating. We both work full time and come home tired. If I take on all the household duties, that means I’m spending my personal time and energy on it.”

He tensed up but stayed silent.

“So I have a proposal,” I continued. “We hire a housekeeper. She will clean, cook, and help with the household. We split that cost as well, just like the apartment. That would be fair.”

Sergei frowned.

“Wait,” he said. “Why should we pay someone? A woman should do all that for free anyway.”

“Maybe,” I replied. “But she’s not obligated to do it for free if we’re talking about equal conditions.”

He was silent for a long time, then stood up from the table.

“I don’t want that,” he said. “I don’t like the idea of paying for something that, in a ‘normal’ family, a woman does herself.”

That evening, we didn’t agree on anything. And we didn’t move in together.

Because I realized one thing: if a person already sees my work as something obvious and unpaid from the very beginning, it will only get worse later on.